Hello
Robert didn’t come home last Thursday. In fact we got the results of the bone marrow biopsy two days ago and there are still Cancer cells left in his body. The chemo didn’t get them all. I’ve realised that this is all starting to take its toll. Robert has been gone from the house for over five weeks now and has only seen the babies twice in that time. I’ve slept in a bed with a very large space where he used to be for almost a month and a half and the adrenaline is starting to wear off to be replaced by a sort of numbness. This worries me. I don’t want my kids to look in to my eyes, as they do, and see a look that tells them I am lost and scared. So I’m doing what I can do, I’m keeping busy. In fact I’m keeping everyone busy, my kids, my sister and her family, my parents, my brother and Robert’s mum, Sue.
That way there is no time to think. At this point thinking can be dangerous and speculating even more so. We are finding hope through activity and surviving through being busy. Luckily there’s a lot to do.
I’ve been building and painting.
We’ve been moving things about and sweeping up. Tidying, making good, creating, cleaning, re-potting, re-using. All good things that keeps the mind from straying.
The cousins have been hanging out. Getting to know each other more and more and more. Bless Truly as she tries to pick Anaïs up for a cuddle.
My daughter has been growing in her mannerisms lately. A slight bending of the wrist and glance of the eye. It’s lovely to see the freedom with which they are growing. The lack of inhibition and the joy they experience when Handy Manny tells his tools to get in to his toolbox and they all do a dance as they trot off.
Ned and I ate our yogurt on our own using a spoon for the first time last Saturday. As you can see it went well (!) After the carnage I turned away from my creamy son to put the kettle on and turned back to face him only to find him with his head on the table LICKING THE REST OF THE YOGURT UP!
Ways and means, my boy, ways and means.
Of course eventually everyone has to go home.
And the kids have to go to bed.
And then it’s just me.
So I keep going. Finding myself painting in the garden in to the evening thinking about what my husband is watching on the telly or reading in his bed.
The evening sun streams through the plants that have grown so much since Robert saw them last and it leaves me wondering what all this is for. Who am I doing this for if it isn’t for him and the babies are too small to appreciate it?
I guess I’m doing it for me.
Because right now the act of planting something that lives in to the ground so that it can go on living is all. I. can. do.
And he’ll see the Verbena next Summer.
He’ll most certainly see it next Summer.
The dahlias continue to grow and amaze me as does Boo, she’s always there by my side (ankles, head, desk, sofa)
Why is he not here?
Why are we not sitting there, on that bench, in the evening sun together?
TOGETHER, damn it!
Why am I on my own?
I was never meant to be alone, I’m not good at it.
When is he coming home? When will he be better? When will I stop being shocked at his appearance as I walk in to his hospital room? When will he start to gain weight? When will I be able to hug him? When will my daughter stop pointing at the iPad whilst saying “Dada”?
Questions, questions, questions.
It’s possible that due to tiredness I’m having a wee pity party all for myself.
I told you it was best to keep busy.
One day weeks and weeks ago Robert walked in the door from work with a bottle of Champagne.
“I got the results of the blood test and although it’s Leukemia it’s a type that is totally treatable. I’m going to be alright, love.”
And we sat on the swing seat, drinking the warm Champagne, and staring out over the wheat field that wraps around the garden. We gave thanks for this near miss with Cancer and sighed with relief that the treatment was going to be so simple.
We had no idea.
And now I find myself in the garden alone in the evenings wishing that he was there in the kitchen, pottering about, doing his thing.
I want to see the shape of his body as he makes it all tidy ( sort of) and gets things ready for the next day. I want to see him wave at me as he watches me water the garden.
I want, I want, I want.
Gosh, it’s very confusing, isn’t it? I find myself totally overwhelmed with my own feelings and then feeling hideously guilty because I’m not the one who’s ill. But I think that is normal. And when it all gets too much I give myself a job. Living this way also helps me sleep at night as I’m so bloody tired by the time my head hits the pillow.
* exhale *
Forgive me. I bash out on to this keyboard and feel better. A weight lifts and I understand why writers write.
Clearly Robert’s treatment is taking longer than anyone expected but each day has to be lived and he and I have been discussing this a lot lately. Which is why we’ve come to an agreement and decided to make the absolute most of a wonderful opportunity that has turned up even though he is currently not at the house to enjoy it. I shall tell you about this next time but for now I have to go and be busy.
I literally, have to.
I love you and thank you for traveling with me and my family.
Cherry
x
To read other up-dates on Robert, you can click on the links below.
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I was so excited to see a new post from you and I sure was hoping for better news. Thankfully the babies are young enough not to realize what is going on. You just keep “pottering”. The beauty you are creating will be a healing respite for Robert when he is home recovering. My heart and prayers are with you all.
Oh, Cherry, my heart goes out to you and Robert.
Of course you want and need him home NOW. It is only natural to feel the way you do, because you actually have no control over what is happening to him – only to what happens to you and the children. He is in the hands of the medical profession and that can make it even harder. Where they are using drugs etc to heal him, you are probably wanting to hug him, rub his back and soothe him and you can’t. Not yet. But you will. However, your lovely previous posters are so right – you need to place you and your self-care first, right at the top of your list, because, if you don’t, how can you take care of all the others?
Don’t try and be brave by fighting how you are feeling. Let it out when you need to, then being the practical girl that you are, with two wondrous beings who rely on you, you will pick yourself up (drying eyes and straightening shoulders and BREATHING) and do what you have to. Allow yourself to smile or even laugh at your offspring’s antics and don’t feel guilty. Robert won’t mind, and if anyone else does (“oh, look at her, her poor husband is in hospital, poor chap, and there she is laughing her head off. Tut tut!”) – STUFF IT!!! Bottled emotions are not healthy.
The new project sounds just the thing to give you some focus. I can’t wait to hear all about it.
Hugs from Scotland.
Kate xx
Unfortunately my love, easy & treatable is only medically speaking – for those of us in the wings watching it all go by it’s the hardest thing that’s ever hit us
I think you are doing brilliantly – there are those that wouldn’t even be able to get up to face the days – you are making Robert so proud and although the little ones are still little they will know that there mammy is a tower of strenght (even though she might not realise it or feel it).
As it was with Pádraig so it is with yourself & Robert – I would love to wave that magic wand and make it better but until then you are in my thoughts & give himself my best wishes. x
Your family is always in my thoughts, keep strong – all of you! xx
You are so brave Cherry. So, so brave, even though you really don’t want to have to be, you are. Thank you for talking to us about how you feel. I think about you and your family all the time. Love Katherine xxx
Keep strong & keep on travelling towards the light at the end of the tunnel, one day you’ll look up & find that you’ve reached it. I hope that day is soon!
Sending my very best wishes & healing thoughts x
All will be well.
This is far from a pity party. You are coping incredibly well with an incredibly difficult time. Bravely, hopefully, even energetically!
Robert will be well and all will be well.
All will be well.
Dear Cherry, Keep up the good and positive thoughts! Loads of love for you and family!Rute
You are entitled to have your wee pity party! you are going through an awful time, I can’t even imagine. I know we will all be hoping and praying for a positive outcome. You take care x
Keep going Cherry, keep strong and keep busy. Planting is the best therapy! We are all here willing your whole family on. Much love xx
Cherry,
You are totally entitled to have your ‘pity party’, given the bumpy, unplanned, journey yous are on at the moment. I LOVE your blog and the insight into your beautiful family, I can only send you my best and sincere wishes to you all xxxx
Wow!!! Cherry that was some post!!! You never cease to amaze me with your strength and grace. Keep on ploughing through them jobs if that’s what keeps you going. I look for news every day and hope and hope and hope that all turns out fine. What a home you are creating for your family with your family. Keep strong Regards Karan xxxx
Cherry, I am sending Robert every positive vibe I have in me. I think about you both daily and pray that you get some good news.
Wishing you love and healing vibes.
Claire xxxx
hugs and kisses to you and yours. and prayers and just keep going one day at a time because that is all you can do. And that is all you are expected to do. And know that after a rough patch he will be fine again. You will all be fine again.
Sending you lots and lots of love and a cuddle.
Kerry x
You’re doing so well. Stay positive.
Cherry,
You know what? I’m glad to see this post, not because it is so very heartbreaking, but because you have let go and just let your feelings pour out onto the page and that is incredibly powerful!
I think it is often harder on those who have to watch someone they love go through something like this than it is for the person going through it, because they have the focus of fighting whatever it is whereas you can only watch as they do so and hope to offer comfort any way you can. I think it’s the helplessness of the situation that makes it so terribly difficult. So don’t you go letting that guilt grab you too hard!
Thinking of you all, as always xx
Big hugs to you Cherry, you never know how much you can bare until you are tested, and you are being tested. Its like hopping on a roller coaster, twists and turns, not knowing which way you are going, you know the ride will end but you don’t know when. It is a gut wrenching time for you, but you are doing such a fine job, Robert the husband must be so very glad that you are Cherry, the wife, the mother, the rock. You have lots of cyber love heading your way, I prey for a speedy recovery for Robert the husband and strength to you xxx
Cherry, you are the most remarkable Lady. You are going through such an awful time with your darling hubby so unwell. Keep up that positivity, it WILL all be rewarded in the end, with you both being even stronger than you were before. Sending you and your family all love and health xxxx
Cherry I am so sorry for the pain you are enduring but remember that we love you too, not known personally but always in our thoughts and prayers xx
thinking of you, and praying that Robert gets better soon. Stay strong but remember it’s okay to break down and sob when you feel like it – that doesn’t mean you’re weak, just human, xxx
I have read your blog and I think you are amazing. You are right that keeping busy is all you can do, but be kind to yourself too. I think that positive thinking is a great thing so try and stay as positive as you can. You are a very strong woman. I am sending much love to you at this difficult time, but you will come through. xx
Oh goodness, that post has left me quite breathless and a little teary eyed. I’m so sorry to read this and my family is sending all out love and support out to you and you’re beautiful family.
Stay positive, no matter how hard it may seem, there is always a light, no matter how small.
Most importantly take care of yourself, don’t try and be a wonder woman, its ok to be sad sometimes.
Best of luck to all of you and best wishes x
Oh Cherry! poor you,my heart really does go out to you,I feel like standing up and applauding your bravery,what a hard journey you are all having,I pray for you all that very soon there is light at the end of the tunnel and Roberts health improves.Sending you hugs xxx
bless you cherry .keep strong and NEVER ever think you are a self pitying person.clearly you are not.xx