We’re having a wee birthday celebration this coming weekend. Ned and Nye turn two on Sunday so we’re having tea and cake for them on Sunday afternoon. To say that the last two years have gone by very quickly would be a slight understatement.
When I look at pictures of them, when they were still absolutely tiny, I am immediately transported back to the exact time and place that the photo was taken and every feeling I had at the time is repeated in my body.
I do look at these early pictures and have a sense of not really knowing these two people who were suddenly in our lives. Well, perhaps that’s not true, I think I knew them but I didn’t trust myself to be able to care for them properly. I knew them but I had no idea what I was doing. I had a reoccurring dream that would wake me in the middle of the night - I was bringing Nye back from the hospital and I would trip with her in my arms as I walked in through the front door. The dream ended before I even began to fall but it was enough to wake me with a tremendous start.
I forgive myself a lot more for those feelings of anxiety now I have evidence of keeping them both alive for two full years. And if I could tell my pregnant self one thing it would be not to judge myself and to just ‘be’ with the babies. Hindsight, eh!
The more women I get to know, mothers or not, the more I love them. It’s fairly complicated, the business of being a woman, in today’s times, and often we don’t quite know what we’re meant to be doing and when we’re meant to be doing it. Babies, career, wife, home, partner, hobbies, alone time, friends, family…….how do we fit it all in to one day, one week, one year, ONE FREAKING LIFETIME!
I remember the moment this photo was taken feeling like my whole world was about to come apart. I could not have felt worse about myself if I’d tried. The responsibility of babies was dawning on me, the adrenaline and painkillers were wearing off and I couldn’t even have a little drink to ease myself out of it as TWO BABIES were needing to be fed every three hours!!
Nobody told me that I’d feel this scared, nobody told me that I’d wish I could run away just for a moment all by myself, nobody told me that IMMEDIATELY after feeling like I could run away I would be drenched in guilt for even thinking about leaving my precious children.
But at the same time nobody told me that these feelings would pass. That with each day Robert, the babies and I would grow in confidence together. That we’d all begin to feel better, find our rhythm and one day feel slightly normal again.
Robert and I would be old pro’s at this now should we decide to have more babies. But at that time all we could do was stare at them, marvel that they were airborne and safe and wonder what it was we did next.
But we got there. They made it to one years old!
Both of them. Intact!!
And now they are two.
My son enjoys his Weetabix with a side order of snot……..
…and my daughter likes to to torture me by gently pulling my sunglasses just a weeeeeny bit too far apart for my liking.
Do I wish I’d known how becoming a mum for the first time would have turned me inside out emotionally, physically and mentally? Yes.
Would I have been less hard on myself? Yes.
Am I going to dwell on this forever? Absolutely not. What good does that do my children? None, whatsoever. My journey simply means that if my children have babies and are sitting there with their own newborns in their arms, looking exhausted, pale and feeling a bit fat I’ll be able to tell.
I’ll ‘get it’.
And I’ll offer my support, unconditionally, should they ever need it in those early days, as it was offered to me.
But those days are a long way off. This weekend we are celebrating being two! The children as human beings and Robert and I as parents.
Now, will someone please pass the cake!
I love you and thank you so much for reading this week.
Cherry x
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aww…what a lovely post!!!They are just so cute❤
It has been said before – “How do the years pass so quickly when some of the days seem endless?” Make the most of each day you have with those precious ones. My husband and I still wonder where the years went, and our oldest is now 39, with the twins now 37. You and Robert are doing a wonderful job!
2 years old!! Well done Cherry & Robert! I hope you have had a fabulous day celebrating those gorgeous babies xxx
My goodness! It hardly seems possible. No truer words were ever spoken. And the years fly by. Far far far too quickly. One thing I admire about you and Robert as parents is you really seem to enjoy your children. I think that’s about the greatest gift a child can be given.
I’m just going through it all again for the second time. My oldest boy is 16 and my baby is 6 weeks old. Just starting to come through the ‘fog’ of those first terrifying weeks. Really enjoyed reading your post and remembering that I’m not alone!
Happy birthday to your beautiful babies, I so enjoy reading your posts and watching them grow xx
Happy, happy bithday twins!! Those two years have gone SO quickly! And even quicker has gone the time since my own ‘first baby’ was born FORTY YEARS AGO last Monday!! I can’t believe it… and I, too, can still remember the feelings of ‘trepidation’ as to whether I could look after her properly, whether I’d do everything right, would she manage to make it to ‘one’… and here she is, forty years later and expecting her third baby in September – yayyyy!!! My only wish is that she wasn’t so far away in America ~sigh~
Jennie
Have a wonderful time on Sunday – do hope it’s a sunny day (weather wise that is, as I KNOW it’ll be a sunny day in every other respect!)
Have fun
I’d like to bake you a cake right now for writing this passage! So much wisdom here and so well said. My two sons have just celebrated their birthday. They are 35 & 38 and I remember the feelings you write about as if it were only a few years ago. I was so surprised to find out that I was scared and did not know what I was doing!!! And yes I felt I knew my child before he was born and it would all fall into place. It was a rocky start. Often exhausted there were tears and doubts about my ability but it all does eventually fall into place. Now that my sons have their own wonderful families and I get to help with grand daughter Amelia and grandsons Tucker and Finn, I was able to lend that extra hand and some counsel to say that it all does get better and that you grow into each other in a family…and rest will come…and you do find your way…and children are the greatest joy. Cherry, when you are there helping Ned & Nye with their own babies…you will be astounded at the feeling. I never expected to feel the same bliss as having a child until someone put my child’s child in my arms. There are no words. Love, Meredith
Ned and Nye are absolutely adorable, and I’m sure that you are a wonderful mum to them!!! What you have gone through is so normal it makes me want to cry. It’s not easy being a mother and knowing that your children depend so completely on you, but it’s SO worth it.
Happy TWO to all of you!!!
Hugs, Cindy
Ah, let the celebrations begin! You and your family have come so far in the past two years, many ups and downs, but it looks like a tremendous up cycle now. Enjoy some cake, give the babes a hug and say “we did it” to Robert. Then, you both deserve some champagne!
Wow…Two. Seems like a lifetime, doesn’t it? And then, so compressed somehow when you look back over those two years and see that totally Little Man and Little Woman gazing back at you. Happy Birthday, Ned and Nye – eat some cake for me!
I am so pleased you wrote this post, as a mum of 4 1/2 month old twin girls I had all of the exact feelings that you expressed so openly. As a first time mum you feel very lonely and I read it with tears in my eyes. Just as you say though, it does get easier and you learn not to be so hard on yourself and I have even reached a point I never thought I would because sometimes I even say to myself “Nina your doing a pretty good job. I think you can afford to give yourself a little pat on the back!” Thank You Cherry for all of your inspirational words.
Nina, Martha & Betty x
Nina,
When it is hard and you are tired, tell yourself to “STAY IN THE MOMENT” and your gratitude for your blessings take over. Blessings to you.
Meredith
Happy Birthday to Ned and Anais! Enjoy the cake.
Cherry, I really liked what you said about how complicated it is to be a woman today. I agree. I watched a really good documentary on C4 last night about kitchen appliance in the 1950′s and how they revolutionised a woman’s day and time management. It was certainly very hard work to be a woman then, but I still think it’s harder now as we are expected to be everything to everyone all the time, and to always do it perfectly. Having said that, I don’t want to wash my clothes on a mangle…
I had my Daughter a month after you had the twins and i know exactly how u felt . I could have writter what you have just wrote. Its nice to know i wasnt the only one feeling that way and i only had one , god knows how you coped with two!! Take my hat off to you Cherry xxx Well done xxx
Cherry – I couldn’t have said it better if I tried. Thank you – you have captured the feelings perfectly. Mine are a lot older now, but I can so remember all those feelings as if it were yesterday. xxx
Read this in tears Cherry. Our son Wilfred is now 11days old and I can relate to all of the above in huge measures. Currently
sat in the back seat of the car on our third outing,
with my birth playlist playing. Such precious memories off his arrival and been on an emotional roller coaster ever since! Wouldn’t change a second of it for the world though and each day is getting easier.
Thanks for an encouraging post, happy birthday to Ned and Nye.
Right, off to buy those sexy feeding bras!
Much love, Lowri x
What an absolutely lovely post. Thank you
It’s my birthday on Sunday, too! I’ll be 43 and am still a constant source of anguish to my parents… that probably doesn’t help, does it!
Hope you all have a brilliant day – you’ve done an amazing job – TWO YEARS!
x
You could have been writing about me when you wrote of your feelings! I’m relieved not to be the only one to have had the exact same fears and anxieties. My dream was also of dropping Ayla but down the stairs, it haunted me every night. Her father fell with her down the stairs at 10 weeks and thankfully both werent seriously hurt but when I ran into that dark hallway having heard the bump and scream my heart froze. Ayla will be 3 in September and is a happy, healthy little girl and I have another baby cooking. Happy birthday to your gorgeous children, I’ve enjoyed reading about and seeing them grow through your wonderful blog. Axxx
I can’t believe these guys turn two soon! It really is frightening how time goes in.
i agree about those first few months. Bitter sweet. I would like to go back for just a few minutes to experience that newborn feeling again, their little smell and the snuffily noises they make…I remember that overwhelming feeling also. I had too many visitors one day who were all wanting a nurse and I went upstairs and just burst into tears. Looking back now, I wish I could have relaxed and taken it all in but my hormones were going nuts!!!
Although I have four lovely kids who have grown into fine young people, I do still get a little pang when I realise I will never experience that new mum feeling again
Happy Birthday Ned, Happy Birthday Anaïs and Happy Survival day to your mum & dad – they rock don’t they? Big kiss and cuddle xox Y
aww. Happy Birthday!
Becoming a mum is such a strange thing. Good, but strange. Doesn’t feel real for a long time – or that’s how I felt. And yes, you are totally right, we should try to relax a bit and just enjoy them, but after the shock of childbirth and belng left with a baby, it’s easier said than done. And that’s with just one! I know I would have gone to pieces with two!
The photo of you with the baby made me smile. I recognize that look in your eyes so well. I’ve got a photo where my eyes look the same, it was the day I brought the girl home from hospital. I suspect every new mum has that look to their eyes.
But it’s a wonderful time. It passes by too quickly. My little lady is now 6. 6 for the love of god, just how????
Enjoy the cake! Enjoy the children!