I don’t know whether it’s because I’m a first time mum and I have no experience of these types of feelings or whether it’s because we waited quite a while to have the twins but sometimes I feel like I might crumble from the weight of how I feel about these two. It came home to me this past weekend as I put two tiny items of clothing in to a frame to keep forever and ever.
There they are in a frame from Ikea above the shelf in the Nursery. I covered the cardboard border that came in the frame with stripy fabric and stuck the two teeny vests in the center. The clothes were sent to me by my good friend Yvonne of Yvestown fame. Anyone who likes fresh, vibrant, clean beautiful living should definitely check out Yvonne’s site. Her generosity touched me deeply when I opened her parcel on my bed that Summer morning. My scar was nowhere near being healed, my tummy was just as large but now wobbly and here we were with two babies. I took out the BEAUTIFUL vest that was for Anaïs and loved it instantly. The flowers, the tiny straps and the frill on the back. Yvonne knew me, that was certain. And suddenly it dawned on me that having these babies would probably be the most creative fun I was ever going to have. Dressing them, decorating rooms, playing with them, experiencing things with them through their eyes. It was all there for the taking and I was going to take it….when I could walk again without my insides falling out of course.
And over the months Robert and I have continued to enjoy as much as we can with these two little traveling buddies. But this weekend as those clothes went on to the wall and I realised that they would never be that small again, that they would never learn to crawl again and that in actual fact they were growing up a little too fast I felt the weight of it almost crush me.
Have I been present enough?
Do they know I love them?
Are they getting equal attention?
Do they know I love them?
Please don’t let anything happen to them.
I’ve thought so much of Amanda Holden this weekend. You see this is the thing – when you fall pregnant NO MATTER what ANYONE says the moment you get a positive test result you’ve got that baby’s life all planned. You dream of carrying them, holding them, whispering in their ear, and seeing them grow in to fine human beings. And to loose that from your own body is utterly devastating. Where there was once life there is now an empty space and there is nothing that brings a lump to my throat faster than to hear of other women who have lost life from their own bodies.
Knowing this means that when Anaïs is lounging around the furniture in her PJ’s chatting to the table behind the chair we had better enjoy it.
And then when she takes it a little step further and waves at said table I want to know that I saw that. That it was ingrained in my memory and that I will take that image with me wherever I go.
I want to remember her feet being this small because soon those toenails will be painted and those feet will be squeezed in to heels that will make me wince. Of course I’ll also be conveniently forgetting that I too have a history of vertiginous heel wearing but that’s not the point.
I think what I’m trying to say is that I didn’t realise that my heart could get this big. It seems to be carrying an awful lot more than it used to. More love, more worry, more thoughts.
But it’s also carrying more moments.
Moments like this one.
Oh yes and this.
And that makes it OK.
It’s OK to be a little sad that some things are gone. It’s OK to grip the chair nervously at the thought of it all whizzing by a bit too fast. It’s OK to look at them one day and then see the changes in them the next and wince slightly.
It’s OK because they are here and we are here with them.
I’ll just keep telling myself that.
Have a wonderful week. Thank you so very much for reading and know that I love you.
Don’t forget you can join my Facebook page!
Feel free to add me to your links list. Here it is ! - http://www.cherrymenlove.com/
No related posts.