I don’t know whether it’s because I’m a first time mum and I have no experience of these types of feelings or whether it’s because we waited quite a while to have the twins but sometimes I feel like I might crumble from the weight of how I feel about these two. It came home to me this past weekend as I put two tiny items of clothing in to a frame to keep forever and ever.
There they are in a frame from Ikea above the shelf in the Nursery. I covered the cardboard border that came in the frame with stripy fabric and stuck the two teeny vests in the center. The clothes were sent to me by my good friend Yvonne of Yvestown fame. Anyone who likes fresh, vibrant, clean beautiful living should definitely check out Yvonne’s site. Her generosity touched me deeply when I opened her parcel on my bed that Summer morning. My scar was nowhere near being healed, my tummy was just as large but now wobbly and here we were with two babies. I took out the BEAUTIFUL vest that was for Anaïs and loved it instantly. The flowers, the tiny straps and the frill on the back. Yvonne knew me, that was certain. And suddenly it dawned on me that having these babies would probably be the most creative fun I was ever going to have. Dressing them, decorating rooms, playing with them, experiencing things with them through their eyes. It was all there for the taking and I was going to take it….when I could walk again without my insides falling out of course.
And over the months Robert and I have continued to enjoy as much as we can with these two little traveling buddies. But this weekend as those clothes went on to the wall and I realised that they would never be that small again, that they would never learn to crawl again and that in actual fact they were growing up a little too fast I felt the weight of it almost crush me.
Have I been present enough?
Do they know I love them?
Are they getting equal attention?
Do they know I love them?
Please don’t let anything happen to them.
I’ve thought so much of Amanda Holden this weekend. You see this is the thing – when you fall pregnant NO MATTER what ANYONE says the moment you get a positive test result you’ve got that baby’s life all planned. You dream of carrying them, holding them, whispering in their ear, and seeing them grow in to fine human beings. And to loose that from your own body is utterly devastating. Where there was once life there is now an empty space and there is nothing that brings a lump to my throat faster than to hear of other women who have lost life from their own bodies.
Knowing this means that when Anaïs is lounging around the furniture in her PJ’s chatting to the table behind the chair we had better enjoy it.
And then when she takes it a little step further and waves at said table I want to know that I saw that. That it was ingrained in my memory and that I will take that image with me wherever I go.
I want to remember her feet being this small because soon those toenails will be painted and those feet will be squeezed in to heels that will make me wince. Of course I’ll also be conveniently forgetting that I too have a history of vertiginous heel wearing but that’s not the point.
I think what I’m trying to say is that I didn’t realise that my heart could get this big. It seems to be carrying an awful lot more than it used to. More love, more worry, more thoughts.
But it’s also carrying more moments.
Moments like this one.
And this.
And this.
Oh yes and this.
And that makes it OK.
It’s OK to be a little sad that some things are gone. It’s OK to grip the chair nervously at the thought of it all whizzing by a bit too fast. It’s OK to look at them one day and then see the changes in them the next and wince slightly.
It’s OK because they are here and we are here with them.
It’s OK.
I’ll just keep telling myself that.
Have a wonderful week. Thank you so very much for reading and know that I love you.
Cherry x
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Yours babies are just gorgeous and what a great idea to frame those clothes. I have my youngest son’s first pair of slippers. I just love them.
baby stuff, baby clothes…
[...]Framed Baby Clothes « Cherry Menlove[...]…
Fab post Cherry. I can relate to what you’re saying in so many ways. I too couldn’t stop thinking about Amanda Holden having lost a baby of my own some years ago. And I know what you mean about them growing so quickly and worrying about everything. Because our little Frederick was 9 weeks early I think I worry even more than I would have done about him. Although I like to tell myself that we have actually had 9 weeks extra of enjoying him and loving him outside of my tummy. Last night he tried rolling over onto his tummy for the first time and I was so shocked I kept saying to Simon ‘Look what he’s doing! He can’t be doing that yet!’ But I know that he can because despite being premature he is nearly 5 months old and he is going to do stuff and not stay static. I’m loving the framed baby clothes by the way. Definitely going to do that myself. As he started in prem stuff then went through early baby and tiny baby sizes before reaching new born size which he is now just about out of, we have an awful lot of clothes already packed away and it breaks my heart every time I have to go through the drawers and pack more away. It’s a lovely idea to frame something special as a reminder. Sorry, this is a really long comment but I just loved what you had to say here. Fiona x
Cherry…. beautiful post…. Love reading everything you write.
I was curious, where did you find those adorable blue skull PJ’s Anais is wearing in some of the pictures? I LOVE those!!
Hi there! I bought them from The Gap just before Christmas. Cx
that is such a lovely idea…i have some little tiny baby things that ive kept but they are in a drawer i wasnt to sure what to do with them.. i might have to nick your idea and pass it off as my own!!
i know with my first baby i was so amazed at the depth of feeling that i felt for this tiny bubba especially when i had never been a maternal person.. so with my second i could feel that love before i even gave birth it was instant whereas with my first it totally hit me like a steam train!!
what ive noticed is that having our two boys has completed me in a way that i never knew needed completing.. if that makes sense!!!..
although today when i was shouting like a fishwife at the pair of them…. i had trouble remembering how utterly amazing i do find them at other times!!!
charl
xx
That wall is completely adorable. I love the cross-stitch hoops with fabric inside.
I framed my kid’s hospital homecoming outfits (along with their beanie caps and hospital bracelets) in a shadow box. One of my favorite keepsakes in my home.
Love this post, I started making personalised pictures from the gorgeous clothes that my daughter Martha had grown out of as I could nt bear to throw them away and now have a keepsake on her wall with her name on,
I would love to do the twins a picture from snips of your favourite clothes, please get in touch and I will organise to make them for you “free gratis” Louise
As a mom who now has several grown kids, along with some that are quickly growing up…you are so right, it is okay to be a little sad.
I often say that I love the person they’re becoming, but I miss the little ones they were. Does that make sense?
Thank you for sharing your dear babies with us. They bring a smile to my face, and to everyone else, I’m sure too
Blessings,
Marcia
Lovely pictures. I can’t believe how much Ned is looking like his dad! They look so happy and so loved!
Lovely post today. I love the framed vests! x
The memories we have are so very precious and the joy and love we receive from our children makes all the sleepless nights and worrysome moments worth it. I have been aware of how time passes, how quickly children grow and to savour each special moment no matter how tiny (such as a silly look on a face or a little moment of mischief) and thankfully I stored these moments because these memories are what helped, and still continues to help me through the loss of my 23 year old son 18 months ago. To know a love such as the love of a child is indeed a gift and I thank every day he is part of my life. No matter how short or long the life of a child whether they are born or not, they are missed and all the possibilities are lost and that is what is heartbreaking, my thoughts are with Amanda at this time, as they were with you during your sad times but so happy to see you now with these two little sweethearts.
K
Oh Cherry, they just grow up way to fast, they really do. I know exactly how you feel.
Thankyou for your lovely words….you made me cry! I can totally relate to the feeling that your heart is so heavy with love and pride and devotion to a tiny little being. My daughter is the most amazing gift I have ever received and will love her with my whole heart forever. We are very lucky and can only keep others in our thoughts until they receive their dream! x
Happy Monday Cherry. Love your post today. I have boxes full of baby clothes when mine were little. I have never been able to give or throw them away. I shall most definitely try your ‘framing’ idea. Perfection.
Much love, Martha (NY)
What a blissful post – I’ve held onto so many things that belonged to me 8 year old twin daughters, my to 2 year old is now using some of them…these precious days just fly by…
The idea of hanging tiny precious memories in a frame like that is wonderful. I am definately going to be inspired to do the same myself. I have so many moments when I freak out that i haven’t savoured enough of my children. I want to press pause just so I can drink in the memory – the feel of my babys chubby feet. My little girls funny little sentences and her cuddles. I fear that life gets so busy I am not storing enough memories but Every moment with them is precious and there are many more to enjoy x
Those pictures of the children made me smile widely, especially the upsidedown one of Anais. I wonder what they’ll think when they know their Mummy framed their little clothes. I agree with Vicky, grand children bring out even more emotions in you that you thought you could never have. I guess its because you have more time for them and slightly less responsibility. Thoughts and prayers being sent to Amanda Holden.
Oh, yes, you’ve pretty much hit the nail on the head. I still can’t part with certain items of clothing from my twenty something son and daughter. It bench marks their lives and my life. I look at the kindergarten coat and can’t part with it during a closet clear out. There’s only one consolation and one I never expected; grandchildren! Believe me when I say, as big as your heart is now, the universe opens its heavens and pours a love down that is simply mind bonging. And all that love you have for your own children is somehow magically exemplified a zillion times. As much playing with my own children was, it can’t begin to compare playing with the grandkids. So save some of your favorite things because dressing grandkids in the odd bits of their parent’s clothing is fun for them and will be fun for you, too.
This was the mummy hug I needed today. I’ve returned from playgroup with my 2yr old daughter and many people have noticed how much she has grown recently. She is starting to tower over her friends. I’ve worried that she has had a lemon and poppy seed muffin too many but then I know that she is right to grow. Daddy is tall so she is bound to be tall too. I remember with a smile the proudness I felt each time she was weighed as a baby. She started so small and we are on this journey together. For me it is the collection of little wellies. I have the pairs in a row. Tiny purple ones, red shiny ones and grown up pink ones, getting bigger and bigger. Thank you for a beautiful website Cherry. Every day I sit down with you and a big cuppa!!
Love the framed clothes. I’m going to tell you what you dont want to hear. Don’t blink….they grow up THAT fast. It feels like yesterday, my babies were your babies age. They are now 25,28,& 30. Enjoy the ride!
Ah Cherry, im so glad now that you have the babies and you ‘get it’.
When we were the only ones in our circle of friends to have a baby, then two, we felt a little awkward at how much love we felt for them, that we’d rather stay in with our babies and east toast instead of a wonderful chinese with friends, we were the only ones who knew how it felt and although it was amazing, many people around us just didnt ‘get it’. It wasnt their fault, they didnt have children, they didnt know the pleasure of breathing them in everyday, and loving them so deeply that we felt our tender hearts might break…reading your words, im just nodding along, more and more with every post, going yes YES! THATS how having babies makes you feel, and im truly thrilled and excited for you and the husband…its an amazing journey…we have been blessed to be expecting no.3 in roughly 12 weeks, and, of course my heart completely broke for Amanda Holden and her husband this weekend, guilt, sorrow, so many emothions, for someone i dont even know, but i know love and shes in my thoughts and prayers..and thats all i can do …
Love Kirsty xoxo
I laughed when I saw those little clothes framed. What a sweet idea. I remember keeping my son’s first pair of underpants because I was so proud that I eventually got him potty trained. I took them out of the ottoman years later and the elastic had turned to paper. I might take them out again sometime soon, they’ll probably turn to dust in my hand. By the way he’ll be 31 soon. So sad for Amanda Holden. Totally devestating time. I’m sure many are praying for her. She’ll get her baby one day soon.
How cute are your babies. Such little smilies aren’t they. A great idea of yours to frame their first baby clothes too. Simple piece of Art – a true Master piece.
Steph. x
My heart sank when I read this morning about Amanda Holden. Incredibly sad.
Thank you for sharing your moments with us. Sometimes in life, we forget to savour and enjoy. So thank you.
Jx
It is, very OK.
oh just lovely, lovely, lovely! It’s so nice to hang on to the tiny stuff, they hold precious memories.
The old maxim ‘I will love you more tomorrow than I do today’ is so valid when it comes to children. I’ve never known such a deep and ever growing love. It’s the best feeling in the world.
I don’t often cry for celebrities, but admit that I shed a tear for Amanda Holden. It just about broke my heart. I don’t know how you get over something like that, I suspect you never do.
Have a glorious day lovely lady.
x